The Double Agent


“You can talk to me now.”

Words in an informal moment of around 3 – 5 minutes, while the HR advisor who took the notes briefly left the room to get the print-outs.

A new Twilight Zone I entered into and the most confusing time of my life, not realizing how calculated this was.

There actually is a person in this city, in this company, in this room who also has lost her brother almost identical, almost the same time and similar circumstances I did??!!

My brother lay dead in his flat for around 6 days before he was found. He lay in front of his apartment door that they had to push his corpse away to get in.

And here was a person in the same company who also lost her brother who lay dead in his flat for days?

Why did they do this to me? Why come up with this?

This by far was the meanest and coldest thing Pret has done to me. You absolutely cannot top that! Doing the right thing naturally? It can scare the hell out of you what they are capable of!

Why did she let them use her tragedy of her lost brother against my tragedy of my lost brother, knowing she was “technically” not allowed to speak to me outside of the disciplinary? How mean is that!?!

It is like 2 people amongst a powerful group of aliens who don’t understand the language of the two people. But one of the two people is half alien / half human. She knows both groups. And because the aliens are in the majority and stronger than the 2, of which one of the two is a little bit of a “rebel” rising up against the systemic oppression from the aliens, after having been repeatedly bullied during bereavement. And the one person is only allowed to speak to the rebel to give a sanction through the back-door of common tragedy. Shoot, that was clever and calculated, but what a big mistake!!

In many of my dark moments, in tears and numb despair I wondered, why did she never have the courage after working there for more than 15 years, knowing all the staff there, to respectfully decline being the hearing manager for my disciplinary? Was it just “survival”? Fear management at its best? What was it?!

In my maddest moments I asked my brother to speak to her brother to speak to her.

Why did she never suggest to get into contact with me outside of the disciplinary, as a recommendation being able to share our common grief, and let another manager do the disciplinary?

And then why did she lie and abandon me in the end, knowing she would be safe in her job? She only lost her face, I lost my job.

I can only answer to myself as she never answered my repeated question about this: Double Agents are always in it for themselves. They don’t work for a particular side they are employed by at any given time. They switch sides with ease and only work for themselves.

Development Manager, Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, Griever, professional, semi-professional, personal, alien, human… Wearing too many hats, hurts people.

I only wear one hat: The Being-True-To-Myself Hat. It’s a lonely hat, but it will pay out in time.

Double Agents lose double in the end.

Late Night Girl2


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