8yrs    |    35yrs


In memory of my big brother Thomas 25.02.1969 ~ 09.12.2014 whose death has not been investigated properly by a lousy, indifferent police department; whose day of death could only be estimated; whose 3 cats survived in his flat while he lay dead for approx. 6 days before he was found; whose corpse they just cremated without our consent; whose passing we didn’t know for 5 weeks; and whose death I was delayed to grieve in peace while working in a toxic, bullying workplace at Pret A Manger, surviving a hostile work environment under trauma.


I still dance like this…




(–feat.– “To know just how He suffered would be dear” –feat.– “something for myself”)


To know just how He suffered – would be dear

I want to hold you
To know if any Human eyes were near

what happened to you?


To whom He could entrust His wavering gaze

couldn’t find a way out of this endless maze?

Until it settle broad – on Paradise

my lights went out




To know if He was patient – part content

I’m a mess, you know

Was Dying as He thought – or different

can we rewind and find the switch?

Was it a pleasant Day to die

what day was it?

And did the Sunshine face his way

what hour of the day?




What was His furthest mind – Of Home or God

something you always sought

Or what the Distant say

I was here, not there

At news that He ceased Human Nature

at news

I ceased

Such a Day

such a day 




And Wishes – Had He Any

wish ! was there

Just His Sigh – Accented

breathless shocks unanswered

Had been legible – to Me

to blind too see

And was He Confident until

no one could

Ill fluttered out – in Everlasting Well

find the everlasting will

And if He spoke – What name was Best

that belongs to you

What last

belongs to you
What One broke off with

our hearts broke
At the Drowsiest

no knock on the door
Was He afraid – or tranquil

a fighter still

Might He know

one photo showed

How Conscious Consciousness – could grow

you knew more than I

Till Love that was – and Love too best to be

missed you

Meet – and the Junction be Eternity

why am I still this side of it?

hurt so many





(So, I dance like this

for me …




don’t pull me in

let me breathe

don’t like to be)




Text: »To Know Just How He Suffered—Would Be Dear« Emily Dickinson, 1863 + »Broke« Horxata/LNG, 2015

Music: “something for myself” Dark Dark Dark, 2011


Emily Dickinson handwriting To know just how

Emily Dickinson’s handwriting »To Know Just How He Suffered—Would Be Dear«, 1863




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