8yrs | 35yrs
In memory of my big brother Thomas 25.02.1969 ~ 09.12.2014 whose death has not been investigated properly by a lousy, indifferent police department; whose day of death could only be estimated; whose 3 cats survived in his flat while he lay dead for approx. 6 days before he was found; whose corpse they just cremated without our consent; whose passing we didn’t know for 5 weeks; and whose death I was delayed to grieve in peace while working in a toxic, bullying workplace at Pret A Manger, surviving a hostile work environment under trauma.
I still dance like this…
(–feat.– “To know just how He suffered would be dear” –feat.– “something for myself”)
To know just how He suffered – would be dear
I want to hold you
To know if any Human eyes were near
what happened to you?
To whom He could entrust His wavering gaze
couldn’t find a way out of this endless maze?
Until it settle broad – on Paradise
my lights went out
To know if He was patient – part content
I’m a mess, you know
Was Dying as He thought – or different
can we rewind and find the switch?
Was it a pleasant Day to die
what day was it?
And did the Sunshine face his way
what hour of the day?
What was His furthest mind – Of Home or God
something you always sought
Or what the Distant say
I was here, not there
At news that He ceased Human Nature
Such a Day
such a day
And Wishes – Had He Any
wish ! was there
Just His Sigh – Accented
breathless shocks unanswered
Had been legible – to Me
to blind too see
And was He Confident until
no one could
Ill fluttered out – in Everlasting Well
find the everlasting will
And if He spoke – What name was Best
that belongs to you
belongs to you
What One broke off with
our hearts broke
At the Drowsiest
no knock on the door
Was He afraid – or tranquil
a fighter still
Might He know
one photo showed
How Conscious Consciousness – could grow
you knew more than I
Till Love that was – and Love too best to be
Meet – and the Junction be Eternity
why am I still this side of it?
hurt so many
(So, I dance like this
for me …
don’t pull me in
let me breathe
don’t like to be)
Text: »To Know Just How He Suffered—Would Be Dear« Emily Dickinson, 1863 + »Broke« Horxata/LNG, 2015
Music: “something for myself” Dark Dark Dark, 2011
Emily Dickinson’s handwriting »To Know Just How He Suffered—Would Be Dear«, 1863
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