Me (ill.i.am)

 

I am just a person whose life got turned upside down, ripped apart, and almost destroyed.

My brother died.

I was bullied at work (Pret A Manger), tricked and trapped by superiors and HR during the most difficult, vulnerable and darkest time of my life.

I am now writing about it as creative but clear as possible.

 

As I was pondering on what to write in an “About” page to tell my story and why I am sharing it, I thought about my introduction as “I am…”. I was about to start with “I am a writer…” when I thought about all the other “I am’s” I am and have become in the span of 3 years.

I am a writer who used to write poetically, poignantly, encouraging people from all walks of life.

I am a writer whose gift has become so out-of-sync out of tragedy, trauma and turmoil. A strength can become a weakness, a blessing can become a curse.

I was and still am angry, that is a big “I am”, and my anger I could not channel in a safe way.

And even though I am NOT these things, they don’t inhabit or own me, they have been a huge part in my life, destroying a lot of things, closing as well as opening doors.

I am passionate about fairness, justice and treating every person with dignity and respect, and yet I have become the opposite of this in my grief and pain, and the horrendous treatment I received at work during the darkest time of my life. I wish I could say I was like Mother Theresa or Mr. Mandela in their trials which exceed my imagination nor am I worthy to even compare myself and don’t need to even compare myself with anyone, but you get the picture that I failed miserably.

Now I am slowly trying to find my way back to the encouraging person that I used to be before my world fell apart, or rather find that new person I have become, chipping away the anger to make space for who really is behind it.

As you read my story, which is a load and reads like straight from a Hollywood script, except that it is true, you will want stop reading again as it will be very depressing, dark and maybe bitter in some areas. But bear with me, it will change in time.

And the beauty of the Internet is we have a choice on when and what to read, watch and listen to. This website is just “here”, it can be visited or avoided any time. It also keeps me from sending unnecessary emails which you will come to understand what happened to me as you find your way through these pages. When you read part or all of my story, I sincerely thank you for your time. Time, I heard once in a seminar, is a four letter word spelled L O V E. Time to me is more precious than money. Money comes and goes, but time just passes by and cannot be recaptured, it cannot be put into a bank account for rainy days. We live in moments, go from moment to moment. Only memories remain, and I want to reinvest in time and life again to “gather” better memories. Memories are the only thing I can “store” into my mental bank account and leave behind with others.

And in time I hope my story, and with it this website, will turn into a place where the reader finds encouragement, humour, lighthearted writings among the serious business of life. I used to be very private and discreet, hardly ever sharing my hard times, but after all that happened, it takes a lot more strength to keep up a facade than to share what curve balls life has thrown at me and how I dealt with it.

At the moment I am still in a lot of pain and anxiety, even though the darkest times of anger seem over. And as I work through a maze of grief I hope that the wounds become scars, and the experiences become learning curves, and my perception of people becomes trusting again with a good dose of healthy caution.

Thank you for dropping by and not just taking the time to read, but giving whatever time you have, it is a gift I do not take for granted.

I end this part of my pages with a song from Will.i.am, starting with a remix that I listen to when I need a gentle reminder that life can be good again.

With kind regards,

– Late Night Girl

Go Levin Remix

Welcome to this thing called Life

 

©2018 LateNightGirl.org

 

Unless otherwise stated or linked to, this website and all writings within this site are the property of poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org and are protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. Reproduction and distribution of my writings without written permission are prohibited.

©2017 – 2018 poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org unless otherwise stated. All Rights reserved. Disclaimer.

 

13 thoughts on “Me (ill.i.am)

  1. Sorry you lost your brother .. is there a post telling more of his story?

    You job … sadly this type of thing happens all too often and its shameful! But does sound like you knew they were nasty people before they bit you 😦

    Once you heal you take your power back, now you are letting them win …

    Like

    1. About a post of my brother, I have created a whole video blog on my brother on another site, but have turned this site here into my anti-Pret rant.

      It is really really hard for me to go into this, but because you asked I will briefly answer and just scratch the surface as I cannot handle it. But your question is very very kind, because you show interest and I want to at least give you a hint of why it is very hard to enter into “fun” mode.

      —— Disclaimer: if you or anyone is very sensitive, just read another post somewhere from this point on as this may not be an easy read for your taste ——-

      In a nutshell, my brother was found in front of his door inside his flat, dead for approx. 6 days before his neighbours smelled the odor of his corpse. I didn’t know for 5 weeks that he was gone and still cannot understand how a German system, known for its efficiency could find at least my mum’s address of 30 years!!

      He was not “just” dead, but cremated already when I learnt the news.

      My brother was a very well kept man, very well dressed, handsome, tidy, clean, you had to take your shoes off in his flat. But because he had 3 cats (a mother cat who slipped out and had kittens, he gave some away but kept two) and the 3 cats survived the 6 days while my brother lay dead and these cats rampaged in his flat, complete mayhem the police told me.

      Lots of unanswered questions and weirdness and horrors …. and I still cannot go to the police in his town for fear they show me pictures of his corpse.

      I am really sorry I am so blunt, but you asked and I am working hard on the fun bit. And I am working even harder to speak about what Pret A Manger is doing to people in bereavement and trauma.

      Please, don’t reply, I know you care, please, no-one, please don’t reply.

      I’ll be ok.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks. No I am not letting them win at all, because I feel much better since going public via the blog.

    Yes, I knew they weren’t easy, not nasty, but hard. But I had a life, I had friends, projects and was too distracted to see through their bullcrap.

    Like

      1. Thank you very much for this. Really appreciate this. I am still lost as I am not familiar with awards etc. I am not up and running mentally currently, ups and downs, feel overwhelmed to go through a list of things to do. I just quit a five week course after two days because I cannot handle the pressure to perform at their requests anymore. I used to be a very high performance person, but those days are over.

        I am incapable to follow instructions at the moment because I followed them to the teeth but it was never good enough. I feel overwhelmed with any rules or steps I have to follow and am just concentrating on things that are on my heart. This may change someday, but at the moment I can’t follow any steps or rules, it overwhelms me in a negative way. I hope this makes sense 🙂

        But thank you so much for your kindness in nominating my blog. Really appreciate this!

        LNG

        Liked by 1 person

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